Thoughts on anger and false freedom – 14.03.15

I just wish that school didn’t go so bad that I had to quit it, or get at the end of it lifeless.
Unluckily it happened and I don’t know if I will ever find the way out.

I just wish I didn’t have to be surrounded by so many mean people that destroyed me and everything about me. I just wish I had the chance to be strong that little bit more so I didn’t get completely crushed. I have been strong for all of my scholastic life and I ended giving up at the very last year. I am graduating in a way that many people seriously envy me and I am grateful I had the chance to reach my goals anyway without having to deal with these people anymore, but the more time goes on, the more it’s getting frustrating to me.

I just cannot help but feeling incredibly angry. The first period after leaving school I felt so free and serene that now feels impossible to me. Everything seemed finally perfect but then something happened and everything got in ruin again.

I am angry because of what happened at school. I have always been a student model, with high grades, good valutations and all – until the end of the year, where teachers would lower my grades in order to desperately “help” people who would have never deserved to pass the year – they didn’t want to make too much difference in between all of the students in the class, they said. Everytime I think back about that I feel bad. I used to give my all to be put at the same level of 21-year-old people who were still at the second class of high school.

“They are boys with problems, you know, they need to be helped that way and that’s the only thing that we can do!”

How pathetic. It was their excuse for everything, the excuse they have always used to justify the fact that they just couldn’t do their job properly.
These stupid beasts could yell at teachers, say them to “fuck off” when they didn’t study go out of the class and come back only at the end of the day and teachers would only say “we need a lot of patience with them”. They could bully me in every possible way, all these stupid teachers would say to me was “they are boys with problems, you need a lot of patience with them”..

Are you fucking kidding me?

They could do everything, EVERYTHING i swear, and they would pass the year with my same votes and sometimes even higher.

No mistakes were allowed to me instead. And that’s always been the constant of my life. If they could tell teachers to “not break their balls”, I couldn’t even have a little bit annoyed tone that they, these fucking teachers, would get angry at me and would never forget it until the very end of the year. I had to sustain all of them – both classmates and teachers – and shut the fuck up.

I got crazy. I am serious when I say so. Expecially the last year, because of that one teacher. What a bitch she is. If I am ever going to deal with her again (and I seriously pray it’s never going to happen), I think I am actually going to split in her fucking face.

Tell me if it is normal that a person, just because “she is the teacher”, has the right to do whatever the fuck she wants because “she is the teacher, so you just have to shut the fuck up and suffer”.

“Shut the fuck up and suffer.”

I am never. EVER going to forget these words. The symbol of all my horrible scholastic life – so of all my life from the age of 4 until now.

I thought that having the chance to graduate at another school without having the committent to go there everyday was perfect. And it is. But sometimes it just falls in pieces again.

If during school I felt literally lifeless, now I feel like I don’t have a life at all.

Everyone around me is so busy living their relationships, going to university. working and all the rest, while I am here at home with literally a little, if nothing, to do.

I am free, so free that it now feels heavy on me. 

Just two months ago everything was going so perfectly! I had friends, people I cared about would contact me every now and then and I was operating with them and everything that comes along. All of a sudden everything disappeared. Some of them decided to stop calling me again for stupid reasons, other would just stop calling me at all and other would call me just when they need some work to be done.

I feel like I’m back to before, when I was alone and all I had was my room, with the music I like and the things I love. But now that I’m grown, it feels a bit tight on me.

I am an adult – not only legally of course, but I actually feel an adult. And it’s fantastic, of course,that’s what I’ve been waiting for for years and I’m glad it finally came! And I know that I wouldn’t be that way now if it wasn’t for all the things that I’ve lived until now. But I just wish that things would be different now.

As I already said before in my blog, I have a very, very strong faith. And faith to me is patience – the patience you need to have if you want to see all of your prayers and dreams come to life. But sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop and thing would just happen and I could finally live them the way I want, without anything to come along and ruin everything again.
I know that everything in life comes to lead you to always better things, but sometimes it can get really tiring.

I just wish I wasn’t angry. I just wish I had the chance to be serene just like not so much time ago. I just wish I could finally see the results of all my patience and prayers. It feels so close deep inside but so far on my time. I just wish I could leave everything behind and finally start again. I just wish that next year I will be doing fine at university without feeling the weight of all the past, the weight that I’m feeling right now.

I just want to have my life back, that’s all.


Thoughts on silence and time – 07.03.15

I wish I had the chance to say everything that I have to say, to the people I’d like to talk to and to no one when it’s needed.
In this period I have been closing myself in silence again and I just cannot go out of it now. I cannot write, I cannot talk, and everything feels so tight on me right now. It’s like I need it, I know I do! And it’s not happening because I am sad, because deep inside I am very, very serene. It’s happening just because I don’t have the chance to do it the way I actually want and need to.

I am surrounded by good friends, but sometimes I have these periods where I feel alone.
The truth is that I miss that one connection, that was mine like nothing else ever will. If only I had the chance to do something.. at least talking. At least greeting with a smile..

I just wish I weren’t afraid. I know that if I weren’t, everything would be just better. But even if fear goes away, I don’t have the chance to go there, I don’t have an excuse. And I don’t know why it is happening, but I know it’s not to lead me to something bad. Nothing happens for bad reason. And again, that’s what faith is about. I trust Him, and I know He listens to me. If only the time, that time came..