Very random thoughts on emptiness and loneliness – 25.04.15

The more time passes, the more I understand how hard it actually is to move on. At the very beginning I thought that getting rid of the problem was the solution – everything was beautiful, I was fine and all the things seemed actually perfect. I was serene as no one else in this world, but all of a sudden, everything collapsed again.

The first 3 months after finally leaving the bad situation I was living into, I thought everything was finally over. Then I realized what actually happened and why and now I feel just like before, maybe just a little bit better.

I cannot help feeling angry, incredibly angry. I’m realizing only now how deep I was hurted in these years, expecially the last two. It’s like I’ve lost everything and now I don’t know how to move on. I can only feel emptiness inside of me and it’s like I cannot fill it anymore. I feel far from who I actually am, I cannot feel the contact anymore. And I’m in desperate need to understand if it is ever going to change.

I don’t have anyone to talk about. I’m not able anymore to open up about what I have inside. It’s like nobody cares and who does, just doesn’t know what to say. Even my mom, who always has something to say right now doesn’t know what to tell me. There is nothing new to add, it’s true. It’s over and I should just forget it. But I can’t.

I’m suffering to the point I cannot even feel God anymore. I know there’s a reason to all that’s happened – there’s always one – but at the moment I just don’t get where the plan is going to lead me.

I just feel incredibly alone and don’t know what to do. Maybe just have a little more patience.. as always.