08.08.2016

Dopo le notti passate a pensare, sono arrivate quelle passate a parlare. Davanti ad una mancata risposta non ci arrendiamo mai, anche quando sappiamo che il problema è semplicemente meno intricato di quanto vogliamo credere che sia: semplicemente, esiste gente di merda che si comporta di merda. Hai voglia a cercare una ragione antropologica, psicologica o di qualsiasi altro tipo che possa spiegare il perché di tale merda, ma alla fine la ragione vera sarà solamente che a volte, le persone, sono fatte di merda.

Ci ho provato a trovare, io che vado e guardo sempre oltre, una qualche spiegazione, una giustificazione, anche una responsabilità da parte mia mia che potrei avere avuto per scatenare determinate cose, ma alla fine la verità viene sempre a galla e capisci che è stato tutto inutile; ci sono casi in cui le azioni sono scatenate da motivi davvero importanti e radicati, davanti ai quale è importante portare rispetto a prescindere da tutto, ma ce ne sono altrettanti in cui ci sta poco da dire e da considerare.

Ciò che mi fa sorridere (seppur in modo amaro) è il paradosso secondo il quale talvolta è più facile accettare situazioni complicate invece di situazioni più semplici, che sono semplicemente ciò che sembrano e null’altro.
Mi spiace aver perso tempo cercando qualcosa che in cuor mio sapevo bene non ci fosse.

Annunci

a piccoli passi

Ho sempre avuto un po’ di problemi ad esprimermi nella mia lingua madre: per qualche motivo, determinati tipi di pensieri, almeno quando mi trovo in periodi un po’ più duri, mi riesce più facile farli in inglese. Non ricordo più quando è iniziato questa sorta di vizio, avendo sempre parlato l’inglese con molta facilità sin da quando ero bambina, ma sono sicura che sono diversi anni che la mia mente lavora in questo modo.

Dopo l’ennesimo mese duro, passato in una sorta di letargo sia emotivo che pratico, il mio fisico ha iniziato a chiedermi una sorta di “pausa”, se così si può chiamare, da questo stato (stare ferma mi stanca fisicamente più di una settimana di lavoro, per qualche motivo) e ho deciso, soprattutto conoscendo bene come la mia emotività agisce e reagisce davanti alle cose, di cercare di cambiare, seppur a piccoli passi, questa situazione.

E quindi eccomi qui a cercare di superare la mia prima barriera, questa sorta di difesa che la mia mente crea dai miei pensieri, a provare in qualche modo a dare voce a ciò che ho dentro – e a farlo in italiano. Magari sarà cosa da niente, ma per ora sembra funzionare e va bene così: la mente funziona in modi tutti propri e talvolta, oltre a cercare di capirla, è importante anche assecondarla – possibilmente negli slanci positivi e costruttivi che è importante imparare a cogliere immediatamente.

Avrei voluto svegliarmi un po’ prima. L’unico slancio che mi sono sentita di cogliere questo mese è stato quello di stendermi sul letto a fissare il soffitto, come faccio di solito quando non ho molta voglia di reagire, ma ormai è andata, si impara, ci si rialza e in fondo, nonostante l’ansia che un po’ si ha di proprio e un po’ ci si impone davanti al pensiero di aver “perso tempo”, va bene così – anche quando si contano più le volte in cui si cade che altro.

L’importante talvolta è perdonarsi e non ricominciare, ma continuare.

regret

I’ve been spending the last few weeks getting rid of negativity and trying to embrace my real essence again. I realized it’s just like the Bible says: without love, we are absolutely nothing. And with this thought in my mind, I finally decided to kill all the voices in my head and finally listen only to the people around me who truly love me.

I’ve been doing wrong for so, so long that I cannot even put my thoughts into words anymore. I gave my everything to people who don’t even deserve a little bit of myself, and ended up giving a little to nothing to people who are truly worth it. Now that I finally see the light, I can’t forgive myself for that – I can only hope God will forgive me instead.

IDENTITY-

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I have been hating myself and convincing my own mind that everything that was inside was wrong, that I was wrong and that I would have never been able to get where I wanted to.. even thought I knew it was unreal, even thought I was conscious that I was lying to myself.

Been too scared of what was around me, I’ve been hiding pieces of my identity – the biggest ones – and only showed a part of the littlest and maybe easiest ones, thinking that it was enough to me.

But my identity survived.

It survived even thought I tried to kill it – a murded which only resulted in risking to ruin relationships with people around me (to whom I can only pray for forgiveness), but most importantly, with my own self.

I am still a bit ashamed about opening myself with such an intimate tool as photography can be – even now that I’m writing these words I’m wondering if I’m ready to do so, but I gotta fight what has been holding back to love myself and finally make it.

I will always be thankful for the great gift photography has been for me in the past six years: in spite of all the sleepless nights, all of the paranoias that my mind created and the fear of not being good enough, it will always be the biggest challenge I have with myself – so the biggest way I have to face the deepest sides of my mind and embracing them too.

The light I’ve been searching for

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I’ve been trying to understand what was going on on my mind for so long, done studies of all the kinds and tried and thought the most difficult things, while in the end all I needed was the solution I ignored at the beginning – the most simple one.

I took a random walk, raised my head and saw the answer I’ve been searching so hard into myself and that this time, was outside.
I finally found the light I was looking for and it was God showing me once again that beauty is everywhere if you allow yourself to see it.

I still have a long way ahead me to try and fix the recently fallen pieces of myself, but even if I feel kinda empty under many important points of view, I found the one that matters the most to my soul and it gives me the courage and the strenght to move on and believe, one more time, that everything will make sense when their right time is going to come. Until then, I can only be happy for the refund love I’ve been begging to come back for so long.. and I’m never gonna waste it anymore.

Consideration of the moment – 28.10.15

Sometimes it feels like everything is fine, sometimes I feel like it’s going out of hand again. Why is it so hard to accept that everyone has its own times and it’s just fine, and that just because someone gets there sooner and in a different way than you, it doesn’t mean you’re a failure?

I’ve always been pretty good at talking to myself and being extremely sincere with my own soul. But sometimes it’s not enough.. you just cannot pretend to do something you don’t know, can you? I know every single reason of my different moods, but I’m missing methods – methods to use my creativity and my studies, methods to stop being so damn anxious and maybe finally stop having these moments of huge sadness.

Maybe I should just accept the fact that sometimes you cannot do everything on your own and you need to reach out for some help.. maybe I should. I just don’t know where my head is anymore.

Thoughts on being born again and new begins – 01.05.15

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It’s exactly in the darkest hour and when everything seems lost that life changes at its best.

I am so happy to say that in September I’ll start studying goldsmithing and jewellery. I wish I could find the words to say how happy I am and how serene and fine I feel again!
It’s a very unexpected choice to me and actually I am still a bit surprised: I thought that I would have studied something related of course to art, but to image, like photography or painting. Instead. I’ll be studying a material art. Something almost completely new to me. And it makes me feel like I’m finally born again..

As I always say, faith is patience and you never have to lose it: if there is something I can be sure about in my life is that God sees and provides, always. And when He tells you to wait, because he’s working on something bigger for you, you gotta believe him. And in spite of everything, I am happy I did..

I’m growing, I feel an adult, I am an adult. And now, more than ever, in my life I only want what truly and perfectly fits me and my life, no more compromises to me, no more wasting time on everything, no more justifying what I have inside and what I feel and how I see and live the world.

I found my way, and this time I want everything to be the way I want.
I’m grateful for the beautiful day that has come!